Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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