Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
