You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
