She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
