My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
