we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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