i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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