I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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