dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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