my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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