the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
