My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
