break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
