matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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