I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How does one acquire holy water?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
