i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
did i walk over a car last night?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
