so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
