I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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