All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
