Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
