He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
