i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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