apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
