We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
