i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
