i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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