sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
