saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
