I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
