My friends, they love my intelligence
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
