This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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