what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
