One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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