Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
