I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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