oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
