Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
