i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
