I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
