We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
