Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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