I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
