Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
