Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
