The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
