it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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