you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
