too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
