p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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