you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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