you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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