Sry I called you an 8
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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